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The New Legal Jokes thread

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iconoclast View Drop Down
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  Quote iconoclast Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 31/January/2013 at 05:03


Actually I heard it as "a 1 in 5 million chance" - nature is indeed abundant it seems! So much built-in redundancy.

And an even cruder version of same joke (different punchline):

A: they all hang out with ....s and all of them have to swim to get a life. But with a lawyer - the sharks won't eat him or her if they go overboard - it's called professional courtesy.

not legal advice

iconoclast View Drop Down
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  Quote iconoclast Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09/February/2013 at 14:43
The Scottish “3 kick rule”.

A top Glasgow Barrister goes duck shooting in Aberdeenshire and very quickly shoots a duck which fell into the adjoining farmer’s field.

As he was stepping over the fence to retrieve the bird, an old farmer pulls up on his tractor and calls out “what do you think you’re doing?”

Lawyer replies “I just shot that duck, and I’m coming to retrieve it”. Farmer Pete replies “no ye won’t, it fell on my land so I’ll be keeping it”.

Indignant lawyer says “Don’t you realise that I am the best Barrister in Glasgow and if you deny me my duck, I’ll sue you and take away everything including this farm.”

Farmer Peter replies “well that’s not the way small disputes are settled here in Mintlaw. We usually settle things by the 3 kick rule”. The lawyer asks “what is the 3 kick rule?”

Farmer Pete explains that the parties agree to each take turns to have 3 kicks at each other. The first guy then the other guy goes next – back and forth between them until one gives up and the other wins the dispute”.

So the lawyer weighs this up, eyes the old farmer and says “yes okay I agree to that”. So the farmer says “I go first as guy who owns the land that the dispute is about always goes first”.

He climbs down from his tractor and approaches the barrister – first landing the steel toed work boot in the crown jewels – sending the lawyer sprawling, screaming and gasping is pain.

Next, he lands a blow to the belly, causing the expensive lunch to spew forth in front of him. Finally, farmer Pete comes around from behind and gives him a swift kick up the backside, causing the barrister’s face to land in a fresh cow pat.

Gasping in pain and humiliation, wiping the cow excrement from his face with his expensive tweed jacket – he says “right now you old bas.tard - now it is my turn”

To which farmer Pete says “Nah – I give up – you can have the duck!”

When you are educated, you will only believe half what you hear.
When you are intelligent, you will know which half to believe.


Edited by iconoclast - 09/February/2013 at 14:46
not legal advice

hobbitoid View Drop Down
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  Quote hobbitoid Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09/February/2013 at 20:50
The 2020 forum. The best of the best were gathered to decide on the future plans for Australia. One of the presenters offered a radical plan: "I have two suggestions: first, we need to kill all the lawyers in this country; second, we need to paint the Opera House green". A voice from the audience: "Why green?". The presenter: "Thank you. I did not expect any objections to my first proposal".

(No lawyers have been injured or even embarassed in the process of writing this joke.)

MartinO View Drop Down
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  Quote MartinO Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19/February/2013 at 03:24
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks.

benito View Drop Down
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  Quote benito Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22/February/2013 at 17:47
The ambulance chasers association decided to put on a big shindig to try and elevate their relevance in the community.

They invited the entire judiciary, lawers, judges, sherrifs, police, corrective services etc and of course Mr. JLaws.

The function was held in the biggest place they could find which was situated on the seventh floor of a redeveloped brewery.

20 minutes after registering they had a power failure.

347 members of the judiciary were stranded for 3 hours on the escalators.

jaazzz View Drop Down
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  Quote jaazzz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26/February/2013 at 00:21


Probably more of a blonde joke than a legal one... Legally blonde!?.. Anyway..

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.   

He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.   

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year...that these windows would pay for themselves in a year...... Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.   

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back.   

I bet he felt like an idiot.


Any opinion given should not be accepted as legal advice.

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adam1user View Drop Down
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  Quote adam1user Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19/May/2013 at 19:09

A lawyer went to the dentist, he sat in the chair and told the dentist: take out the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth!!!

hope you enjoyed it!!!!

keeper View Drop Down
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  Quote keeper Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29/May/2013 at 02:24

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."


C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing as a heart warming lawyer story???

Walk safe and maybe just maybe ..... avoid lawyers! cheers

keeper View Drop Down
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  Quote keeper Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/July/2013 at 14:31
Getting Married in Heaven


On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months!!

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Will we be stuck in Heaven together forever?

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.
"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take to find a lawyer?"

citizen181 View Drop Down
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  Quote citizen181 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 28/July/2013 at 13:11
A first degree murder case was wrapping up in San Francisco. The prosecutor's case was very unusual in that it was based exclusively on circumstantial evidence. The husband was accused of killing his wife, but they could never find the body.

The prosecutor gave his closing argument and demanded that the jury render a verdict of guilty of murder in the first degree.

But the defense counsel had something up his sleeve. As he addressed the jury he said something most provocative:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this case, so built around circumstantial evidence is really about the concept of reasonable doubt. Because, you see, as you will soon find out, the victim in this case, Mrs. Dribble, is going to walk through that door in 10 minutes and you will know Mr. Dribble is innocent."

A hush settled over the crowded courtroom as the attorney continued to speak with everyone's eyes constantly glancing toward the door between the jury and the audience. As time passed toward the 10-minute deadline, people began to shuffle in their chairs and wipe their brows. But the attorney continued to speak until it was past the 10 minutes. But, Mrs. Dribble, the alleged victim, did not enter as he promised.

He continued: "You see, members of the jury, you must have reasonable doubt or you would not have been looking repeatedly at the door. Your own sense of doubt made you have an expectation of innocence. You must find my client not guilty of the charge of first degree murder." With that, he closed and thanked the panel.

The judge gave the jury their instructions and the bailiff led them to the jury room to deliberate on the guilt or innocence of Mr. Dribble. It took them only 10 minutes and they indicated they had a verdict.

The defense was very sure they would be returning a "not guilty" verdict and he could barely contain his sense of confidence. He smiled at his client with a warmth that exuded comfort and success.

The jury foreman was asked to return the verdict form to the court's bailiff to be read out loud:

"We the jury find the defendant, Gunther Dribble, guilty of the crime of murder in the first degree."

The defense attorney was devastated and demanded to poll every juror. But, as he started with the jury foreman, he did not have to go very far. "Mr. foreman, you, yourself, had your eyes constantly moving toward the door. You must have had reasonable doubt."

The jury foreman smiled cattily at the defense attorney: "Yes. That's true, counsel", he responded."but what we also noticed was that your client was the only person in the entire courtroom who never looked at the door."

jaazzz View Drop Down
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  Quote jaazzz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 26/August/2013 at 18:22

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."   

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"   

The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Any opinion given should not be accepted as legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks

ihaveahugeproblem View Drop Down
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  Quote ihaveahugeproblem Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 23/April/2014 at 00:13
Oldie but a goodie...

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing Law
somewhere.

Justin Ross View Drop Down
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  Quote Justin Ross Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 09/October/2015 at 08:42
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
        The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
        "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
        "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"

roshdy View Drop Down
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  Quote roshdy Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16/November/2015 at 09:13
nice to   

(some) Blondes aren't as dumb as many folk think

Dragondude View Drop Down
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  Quote Dragondude Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11/March/2016 at 09:04
Q: What do you cal a bus load of lawyers going over a cliff?

A: A good start.
Not a legal practitioner.

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  Quote webbrowan Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/May/2016 at 20:16
Good joke! Nice to take a bit of a time out and laugh a bit at ourselves before going back to the grind. Tough enough having to deal with numbers and finance the whole day if you can't read a bit of a joke and take a time out every once in a while!

PauloFer View Drop Down
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  Quote PauloFer Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16/June/2016 at 23:17
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."

Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.

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