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Parental alienation & abuse- what can be done?

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Blessed_mum View Drop Down
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Joined: 21/October/2016
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  Quote Blessed_mum Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: Parental alienation & abuse- what can be done?
    Posted: 30/June/2017 at 11:25
Hi,
I am at wits end almost and hate that there is no help for parents experiencing this type of abuse!
My situation has been going for 3 years now, and it gets worse and worse and it's now to the point where I am concerned about my daughters dad's mental state. He thinks that his actions and behaviour are ok and makes out I am the problem and blames everything on me in front of our daughter.
I am even beginning to conclude my assessment of him and am seeing consistencies that are displaying that his mentally stability is a concern.
I am exhausted! I don't know what to do.
I have authorised a solicitor to develop a parenting plan by consent orders over 12 months ago and it is still in draft format due to my ex being impossible to work with, and my finances have fallen short of making the complete payment for my solicitor. So I was hoping that the parenting plan will help with everything I have dealt in relation to co parenting but I am thinking there is ways that he is going to manipulate every situation where he's stuffed up and still blame me.
He makes abuses me in front of our daughter but then says I am the one with the abusive behaviour. And the list goes on and on and on.
I have records of everything. But when it comes down to emotional / psychological abuse and parental alienation, which is the most damaging in the long term, especially for kids!, the legal system does nothing to help.
I am a Counsellor, so I don't need support, but I need to somehow stop him doing what he is relentlessly doing to me and most importantly, to our daughter.
What can be done???

smurfergirl View Drop Down
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  Quote smurfergirl Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30/June/2017 at 19:07
Get a restraining order on him and make changeover at a Contact Centre or Police Station.

You need to take your daughter out of the middle of this abuse and conflict.

Blessed_mum View Drop Down
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  Quote Blessed_mum Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30/June/2017 at 22:12
Thanks smurfergirl.
I had put an IVO application into the court, but was advised by my solicitor and psychologist that it is stirring the pot and should wait until the parenting plan is in place to see if things change. So I withdrew the application.
But I am now kicking myself and he is intentionally out to try and make my life hell and work against me in every aspect of parenting which even works against the way we both parented together. It makes me sick sometimes!
He is in a relationship with a narc so it makes the whole situation so much harder. My daughter said that she is "crazy" and a "psycho" (which I knew cos I've known her since I was 12yo). So every time my daughter is at her dads I am on edge the whole time.
My daughter and I have a beautiful relationship and I love her immensely and provide for her the best life that I possibly can. So I know I am doing all I can. But it is sooooo hard :(

smurfergirl View Drop Down
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  Quote smurfergirl Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 01/July/2017 at 22:06
Ok, if that's the case I would insist that changeover occur either via school or a public place and I would have a witness present and record him.

If he persists, then I would be taking the evidence to the Police and take out the order.

You could also cease contact, as there are no orders in place.

Edited by smurfergirl - 01/July/2017 at 22:07

emca01 View Drop Down
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  Quote emca01 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02/July/2017 at 07:06
Hi - I am a s subtle as a brick...Ok so based on this post and the other thread... U'm hang on a minute... You think you can demand he tell you where he is taking child for a holiday? So already, I'm thinking maybe you're being a bit pushy...

Now before steam starts screaming out your ears and you start throwing stuff at the screen - calm down. get a nice cuppa tea and take a moment before continuing.

So some times this god awful game called family law can mess with our heads and sometimes that means we need a bit of an attitude re-adjustment...

So let me help out.. one of the biggest flaws I see in what you wrote is about the IVO. See no-one in their right minds, especially not a professional would tell you to drop an IVO because it was 'stirring the pot' - that MIGHT be what they told you...

BUT what they meant was that you don't have grounds for an IVO. Just go with me on this one for a bit... See if you REALLY REALLY had reasons to fear violence and violence was REALLY REALLY likely then no professional in their right minds would put themselves in a position where they could be perceived as committing mal-practice by not encouraging you to seek protection under the law.

Now I would strongly encourage against applying for an IVO. WHY? Well what if the application is knocked back? HE wins - he actually learns that the system allows him to behave like he has. So help me out here can you summarise some of the abuse he throws at you? I'm presuming this happens at change overs? Can you give some detail?

Next - Someone else suggested ceasing contact... Just to be clear here... I think that poster needs to clarify? I'm hoping they are not suggesting stopping the child from spending time with dad? Ceasing contact with your ex - sure, stopping the child seeing her dad? NOPE... bad idea.

Ok so my consent orders say something about not being mean nasty and generally unkind to each other - especially in front of the kids. My ex still thoroughly enjoys being an idiot... She does stuff like flicks through their hair when I drop them off and says things like "you have been with you're dad, I'd better check for knits". So look even with court orders, and even with well worded court orders that should stop this sort of BS - it still happens...

So 2 final thoughts - court orders, cant make an unreasonable person reasonable...
Learn to ignore it... My life got a bucket load better when I learnt to smile and nod... I did that for so long that these days things are pretty good. She rocks up to change overs, I say hello... If she goes off on a tirade, I walk away... After about 10 steps I turn around and say BYE - have a nice day... blah blah... The kids see me being sensible, see her being stupid and they have worked it out for themselves.

OOPS one more thing - Just a little bit more attitude re-adjustment... you post states that you're daughter has told you this and that about dad's new woman... Yep - no good. No need for those sorts of conversations. Don't encourage them... So you're a counsellor, surely, you must realise sometimes kids will tell there parents what they want to hear...

Dang - just a little more re-adjustment then we are done for today.... To summarise you and your daughter have a beautiful relationship - Gee that is nice... Dad and his new chick are horrible? That is YOUR version of reality... Maybe there is another one... Dad is trying his best here (so are you) But family law is stressful... So you are stressed, he is stressed. He is accusing you of micro-managing him and his time with the kid. Well maybe you are...

Ok Ok I will go away but, one more idea. Sack solicitor, get the draft consent orders, send them to dad... Invite him to change them... I little here and there. BUT if you're basically in agreement about the kid, then get the consent orders finalised, submit them to the court for approval. You can do all that for about $500 without the need for a solicitor... You can have stuff in there like providing holiday plans or what ever and you can do it all without solicitors.

rannii View Drop Down
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  Quote rannii Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04/July/2017 at 07:31
Hi,

My advice. - make your child as reiliant as your can. Support them in ever manner possible. Think of it this way, they will encounter all sorts of people in their life & its
Our jobs as parents to prepare them for such.   Your actually lucky - they have a "pretty bad case sebario" and have you right there as their safety net.

Defo do changeovers at school etc. limit your contact with the ex. They get an ego boost from
Conflict & while you are feeding it, thing will never change. Be plain, be boring and they lose interest.

You hear bad things from your daughter about what dad does - ignore it. Ensure you remain 120% happy about them going to their dads. If something good happens in their life, ask them if they want to call dad about it.   Kids aren't dumb and start to see through the game playing. My 5 year old gets it. He tells me it hurts him when dad speaks badly of me, and we talk about what we can do when that happens!!

Court is 100% useless. My ex did crazy crazy things during out 3 years in the court system. Such as drive off in front of me with the kids at drop off point & not tell me where they were. Advise that he wouldn't collect the kids for a visit and then contravene me for not showing the the kids. My favourite was him going overseas for 5 weeks & then contravening me for the time he didn't spend with the kids while he was away.

None of this reflected poorly on him at trial. As ended up only seeking alternate weekends (I was offering mid-week time), he was given all his consessions on all other matters due to his 'limited time with the children'

Agree with above - court orders will not stop the crazy.

Take a deep breath, ignore the ex where you can and just make sure your child has all the tools necessary to deal with the idiots in life!

HelloNewman View Drop Down
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  Quote HelloNewman Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16/July/2017 at 18:14
I use a Call Recorder app on my mobile. No-one knows I do and I delete those not necessary. Some I have kept where I am being recorded. Just a hint.
Endure what can't be undone

Master Dong View Drop Down
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  Quote Master Dong Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 19/August/2017 at 10:54
To put things into perspective, does your ex do these types of things?
1/ Say " I wish I never had you kids" in front of the kids
2/ Say "my new partner (of 5 days) is going to buy me a new house and a baby" in front of the kids
3/ Say to kids, "if you go see Dad this week, you can never see mum again"
4/ Say to kids when they ask to see Dad, "NO, Dad doesn't want to see you"
5/ When kid reaches out to hug Mum, Mum refuses hug and pushes kid out the front door and slams the front door behind them.
6/ Loses temper and hits you
7/ Loses temper and hits kid in the face

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