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The New Legal Jokes thread

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Category: General Legal Discussions
Forum Name: Discuss legal issues that are of a general nature
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URL: https://www.aussielegal.com.au/forum/forum_posts.asp?TID=16641
Printed Date: 20/November/2017 at 15:08


Topic: The New Legal Jokes thread
Posted By: iconoclast
Subject: The New Legal Jokes thread
Date Posted: 03/July/2012 at 11:12


A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth, with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. (some) Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. (some) Blondes aren't as dumb as many folk think.



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not legal advice



Replies:
Posted By: jaazzz
Date Posted: 03/July/2012 at 23:57

Nice one

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Any opinion given should not be accepted as legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks


Posted By: khon
Date Posted: 04/July/2012 at 14:38
Good one. Have you heard of a dumb gray, ME!!!

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Personal opinion only, should not take it as legal advice


Posted By: TicTac
Date Posted: 08/July/2012 at 15:16
Not sure if you could class this as legal, however it does fall within criminal so im going to post it anyway.

Picture an old man when reading this.

"When I was a boy my mum would send me down the shop with $1 and i'd come back with; 5 potatoes, 2 loves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese a box of tea and 6 eggs. You cant do that now....Too many damn security cameras..."


Posted By: MartinO
Date Posted: 11/July/2012 at 23:54
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

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I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks.


Posted By: khon
Date Posted: 12/July/2012 at 00:09
Nice one Martin

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Personal opinion only, should not take it as legal advice


Posted By: MartinO
Date Posted: 12/July/2012 at 13:20
Last night I walked into the pub to see my mate Dave looking very sad and sorry for himself.

I asked what was wrong and he said "I've been in court today, the ex-wife got the house, car and a heap of cash. And all because in a moment of rage I threw a bowl of trifle at her".

I said "gee mate, that's terrible. But tell me one thing, did she get custody?"

He looked me straight in the eye and responded "yes, very"

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I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks.


Posted By: BD Eye
Date Posted: 12/July/2012 at 13:31
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Forensic Pathologist: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Lawyer: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?

Forensic Pathologist: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

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BD Eye


Posted By: TicTac
Date Posted: 12/July/2012 at 18:09
Some good ones!!, nice to see people adding to the topic :)

Not sure if images are appropriate, if not please delete the post.




http://tywkiwdbi.blogspot.com.au/2008/09/lawyer-cartoons.html - Source


Posted By: khon
Date Posted: 12/July/2012 at 20:36
This joke thread actually put a lot of smiles for people who reading it. I wish it could extend beyond just legal jokes. Feeling a bit sorry for those legal professinals being pick on, but ha! ha!ha!

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Personal opinion only, should not take it as legal advice


Posted By: MartinO
Date Posted: 14/July/2012 at 17:48
The lawyer pulled up in his brand new Porsche and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, break the law and I'll have an even better one next year."

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I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks.


Posted By: goingbonkers
Date Posted: 02/December/2012 at 11:41
This one is not too funny by modern standards but it goes to show not much has changed.

Told in Madrid Circa 1637(joke already a couple of hundred years old)

A horse refused to leap aboard a ferry across the river,until a passenger whispered in its ear , whereupon it leapt quickly onto the boat. The ferryman asked the passenger how he had made the horse move so rapidly. The man answered ‘ I told him to leap into the boat as fast as the soul of a lawyer goes to hell’

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The judge will likely ignore your Will, and give your savings to whoever they think should have it' http://changefpa.com.au/ - http://changefpa.com.au


Posted By: googles
Date Posted: 02/January/2013 at 19:32
This one not much of a joke but its true. (Police verses defendant, car accident)

In court the police barrister puts it to the defendant, "What you're saying is not accurate, you were in shock from the accident".

The defendant replies, "I was perfectly fine after the accident because it was clearly the policeman's fault, it was only later, when the officer tried to blame that I suffered shock".

Apologies to police and families.


Posted By: MartinO
Date Posted: 16/January/2013 at 03:48
In a trial in North Queensland, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll give you a life term.'

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I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks.


Posted By: Felix001
Date Posted: 16/January/2013 at 09:22
MartinO, what a joke !!!! you made my day.


Posted By: MalcolmA
Date Posted: 17/January/2013 at 13:50
Did you hear about the lawyer who fell overboard while on a deep-sea fishing trip?

When they found him a few hours later he was circling the sharks!


Posted By: rambler1
Date Posted: 21/January/2013 at 10:29
BEST LAWYER/INSURANCESTORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other
things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small
fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and
WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the
claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a
policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.

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Luke 11 46: Woe unto you also, ye lawyers! For you load men with burdens that are difficult to carry, and you yourselves won't even lift one finger to help carry those burdens.


Posted By: jaazzz
Date Posted: 22/January/2013 at 00:43


Not quite as smart as he thought he was!!

   Brilliant story   

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Any opinion given should not be accepted as legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks


Posted By: MartinO
Date Posted: 29/January/2013 at 21:31
Direct from QI

Q. What do sperm and lawyers have in common?

A. One in 500,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.

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I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks.


Posted By: jaazzz
Date Posted: 30/January/2013 at 00:00


One in 500,000?? That high!!




-------------
Any opinion given should not be accepted as legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks


Posted By: iconoclast
Date Posted: 31/January/2013 at 05:03


Actually I heard it as "a 1 in 5 million chance" - nature is indeed abundant it seems! So much built-in redundancy.

And an even cruder version of same joke (different punchline):

A: they all hang out with ....s and all of them have to swim to get a life. But with a lawyer - the sharks won't eat him or her if they go overboard - it's called professional courtesy.



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not legal advice


Posted By: iconoclast
Date Posted: 09/February/2013 at 14:43
The Scottish “3 kick rule”.

A top Glasgow Barrister goes duck shooting in Aberdeenshire and very quickly shoots a duck which fell into the adjoining farmer’s field.

As he was stepping over the fence to retrieve the bird, an old farmer pulls up on his tractor and calls out “what do you think you’re doing?”

Lawyer replies “I just shot that duck, and I’m coming to retrieve it”. Farmer Pete replies “no ye won’t, it fell on my land so I’ll be keeping it”.

Indignant lawyer says “Don’t you realise that I am the best Barrister in Glasgow and if you deny me my duck, I’ll sue you and take away everything including this farm.”

Farmer Peter replies “well that’s not the way small disputes are settled here in Mintlaw. We usually settle things by the 3 kick rule”. The lawyer asks “what is the 3 kick rule?”

Farmer Pete explains that the parties agree to each take turns to have 3 kicks at each other. The first guy then the other guy goes next – back and forth between them until one gives up and the other wins the dispute”.

So the lawyer weighs this up, eyes the old farmer and says “yes okay I agree to that”. So the farmer says “I go first as guy who owns the land that the dispute is about always goes first”.

He climbs down from his tractor and approaches the barrister – first landing the steel toed work boot in the crown jewels – sending the lawyer sprawling, screaming and gasping is pain.

Next, he lands a blow to the belly, causing the expensive lunch to spew forth in front of him. Finally, farmer Pete comes around from behind and gives him a swift kick up the backside, causing the barrister’s face to land in a fresh cow pat.

Gasping in pain and humiliation, wiping the cow excrement from his face with his expensive tweed jacket – he says “right now you old bas.tard - now it is my turn”

To which farmer Pete says “Nah – I give up – you can have the duck!”

When you are educated, you will only believe half what you hear.
When you are intelligent, you will know which half to believe.


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not legal advice


Posted By: hobbitoid
Date Posted: 09/February/2013 at 20:50
The 2020 forum. The best of the best were gathered to decide on the future plans for Australia. One of the presenters offered a radical plan: "I have two suggestions: first, we need to kill all the lawyers in this country; second, we need to paint the Opera House green". A voice from the audience: "Why green?". The presenter: "Thank you. I did not expect any objections to my first proposal".

(No lawyers have been injured or even embarassed in the process of writing this joke.)


Posted By: MartinO
Date Posted: 19/February/2013 at 03:24
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.

'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news.Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

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I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks.


Posted By: benito
Date Posted: 22/February/2013 at 17:47
The ambulance chasers association decided to put on a big shindig to try and elevate their relevance in the community.

They invited the entire judiciary, lawers, judges, sherrifs, police, corrective services etc and of course Mr. JLaws.

The function was held in the biggest place they could find which was situated on the seventh floor of a redeveloped brewery.

20 minutes after registering they had a power failure.

347 members of the judiciary were stranded for 3 hours on the escalators.


Posted By: jaazzz
Date Posted: 26/February/2013 at 00:21


Probably more of a blonde joke than a legal one... Legally blonde!?.. Anyway..

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy-efficient kind. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.   

He complained that the work had been completed a year ago. and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.   

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy told me last year...that these windows would pay for themselves in a year...... Helllooooo? It's been a year, so they're paid for, I told him.   

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally hung up. He never called back.   

I bet he felt like an idiot.




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Any opinion given should not be accepted as legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks


Posted By: adam1user
Date Posted: 19/May/2013 at 19:09

A lawyer went to the dentist, he sat in the chair and told the dentist: take out the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth!!!

hope you enjoyed it!!!!


Posted By: keeper
Date Posted: 29/May/2013 at 02:24

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You may come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me!"

"Bring them all as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high."


C'mon...did you really think there was such a thing as a heart warming lawyer story???

Walk safe and maybe just maybe ..... avoid lawyers! cheers



Posted By: keeper
Date Posted: 08/July/2013 at 14:31
Getting Married in Heaven


On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer.... For a couple of months!!

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? What if it doesn't work? Will we be stuck in Heaven together forever?

Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted.
"It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take to find a lawyer?"


Posted By: citizen181
Date Posted: 28/July/2013 at 13:11
A first degree murder case was wrapping up in San Francisco. The prosecutor's case was very unusual in that it was based exclusively on circumstantial evidence. The husband was accused of killing his wife, but they could never find the body.

The prosecutor gave his closing argument and demanded that the jury render a verdict of guilty of murder in the first degree.

But the defense counsel had something up his sleeve. As he addressed the jury he said something most provocative:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this case, so built around circumstantial evidence is really about the concept of reasonable doubt. Because, you see, as you will soon find out, the victim in this case, Mrs. Dribble, is going to walk through that door in 10 minutes and you will know Mr. Dribble is innocent."

A hush settled over the crowded courtroom as the attorney continued to speak with everyone's eyes constantly glancing toward the door between the jury and the audience. As time passed toward the 10-minute deadline, people began to shuffle in their chairs and wipe their brows. But the attorney continued to speak until it was past the 10 minutes. But, Mrs. Dribble, the alleged victim, did not enter as he promised.

He continued: "You see, members of the jury, you must have reasonable doubt or you would not have been looking repeatedly at the door. Your own sense of doubt made you have an expectation of innocence. You must find my client not guilty of the charge of first degree murder." With that, he closed and thanked the panel.

The judge gave the jury their instructions and the bailiff led them to the jury room to deliberate on the guilt or innocence of Mr. Dribble. It took them only 10 minutes and they indicated they had a verdict.

The defense was very sure they would be returning a "not guilty" verdict and he could barely contain his sense of confidence. He smiled at his client with a warmth that exuded comfort and success.

The jury foreman was asked to return the verdict form to the court's bailiff to be read out loud:

"We the jury find the defendant, Gunther Dribble, guilty of the crime of murder in the first degree."

The defense attorney was devastated and demanded to poll every juror. But, as he started with the jury foreman, he did not have to go very far. "Mr. foreman, you, yourself, had your eyes constantly moving toward the door. You must have had reasonable doubt."

The jury foreman smiled cattily at the defense attorney: "Yes. That's true, counsel", he responded."but what we also noticed was that your client was the only person in the entire courtroom who never looked at the door."


Posted By: jaazzz
Date Posted: 26/August/2013 at 18:22

An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."   

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"   

The man replied, "That would be my wife."



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Any opinion given should not be accepted as legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks


Posted By: ihaveahugeproblem
Date Posted: 23/April/2014 at 00:13
Oldie but a goodie...

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing Law
somewhere.


Posted By: Justin Ross
Date Posted: 09/October/2015 at 08:42
A man phones a lawyer and asks, "How much would you charge for just answering three simple questions?"
        The lawyer replies, "A thousand dollars."
        "A thousand dollars!" exclaims the man. "That's very expensive isn't it?"
        "It certainly is," says the lawyer. "Now, what's your third question?"


Posted By: roshdy
Date Posted: 16/November/2015 at 09:13
nice to   

(some) Blondes aren't as dumb as many folk think

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http://www.law-arab.com - law-arab


Posted By: Dragondude
Date Posted: 11/March/2016 at 09:04
Q: What do you cal a bus load of lawyers going over a cliff?

A: A good start.

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Not a legal practitioner.


Posted By: webbrowan
Date Posted: 12/May/2016 at 20:16
Good joke! Nice to take a bit of a time out and laugh a bit at ourselves before going back to the grind. Tough enough having to deal with numbers and finance the whole day if you can't read a bit of a joke and take a time out every once in a while!


Posted By: PauloFer
Date Posted: 16/June/2016 at 23:17
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand."

Not one hand went up . . . . so she took them home and ate them.



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