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The New Legal Jokes thread

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iconoclast View Drop Down
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  Quote iconoclast Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Topic: The New Legal Jokes thread
    Posted: 03/July/2012 at 11:12


A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth, with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. (some) Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. (some) Blondes aren't as dumb as many folk think.

not legal advice

jaazzz View Drop Down
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  Quote jaazzz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 03/July/2012 at 23:57

Nice one
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khon View Drop Down
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  Quote khon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 04/July/2012 at 14:38
Good one. Have you heard of a dumb gray, ME!!!
Personal opinion only, should not take it as legal advice

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  Quote TicTac Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 08/July/2012 at 15:16
Not sure if you could class this as legal, however it does fall within criminal so im going to post it anyway.

Picture an old man when reading this.

"When I was a boy my mum would send me down the shop with $1 and i'd come back with; 5 potatoes, 2 loves of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a hunk of cheese a box of tea and 6 eggs. You cant do that now....Too many damn security cameras..."

MartinO View Drop Down
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  Quote MartinO Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 11/July/2012 at 23:54
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks.

khon View Drop Down
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  Quote khon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/July/2012 at 00:09
Nice one Martin

Edited by khon - 12/July/2012 at 00:10
Personal opinion only, should not take it as legal advice

MartinO View Drop Down
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  Quote MartinO Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/July/2012 at 13:20
Last night I walked into the pub to see my mate Dave looking very sad and sorry for himself.

I asked what was wrong and he said "I've been in court today, the ex-wife got the house, car and a heap of cash. And all because in a moment of rage I threw a bowl of trifle at her".

I said "gee mate, that's terrible. But tell me one thing, did she get custody?"

He looked me straight in the eye and responded "yes, very"
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BD Eye View Drop Down
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  Quote BD Eye Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/July/2012 at 13:31
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

Forensic Pathologist: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Lawyer: And Mr Dennington was dead at the time?

Forensic Pathologist: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
BD Eye

TicTac View Drop Down
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  Quote TicTac Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/July/2012 at 18:09
Some good ones!!, nice to see people adding to the topic :)

Not sure if images are appropriate, if not please delete the post.




Source

Edited by TicTac - 12/July/2012 at 18:09

khon View Drop Down
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  Quote khon Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 12/July/2012 at 20:36
This joke thread actually put a lot of smiles for people who reading it. I wish it could extend beyond just legal jokes. Feeling a bit sorry for those legal professinals being pick on, but ha! ha!ha!
Personal opinion only, should not take it as legal advice

MartinO View Drop Down
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  Quote MartinO Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 14/July/2012 at 17:48
The lawyer pulled up in his brand new Porsche and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, break the law and I'll have an even better one next year."
I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.

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goingbonkers View Drop Down
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  Quote goingbonkers Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02/December/2012 at 11:41
This one is not too funny by modern standards but it goes to show not much has changed.

Told in Madrid Circa 1637(joke already a couple of hundred years old)

A horse refused to leap aboard a ferry across the river,until a passenger whispered in its ear , whereupon it leapt quickly onto the boat. The ferryman asked the passenger how he had made the horse move so rapidly. The man answered ‘ I told him to leap into the boat as fast as the soul of a lawyer goes to hell’
The judge will likely ignore your Will, and give your savings to whoever they think should have it'http://changefpa.com.au

googles View Drop Down
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  Quote googles Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 02/January/2013 at 19:32
This one not much of a joke but its true. (Police verses defendant, car accident)

In court the police barrister puts it to the defendant, "What you're saying is not accurate, you were in shock from the accident".

The defendant replies, "I was perfectly fine after the accident because it was clearly the policeman's fault, it was only later, when the officer tried to blame that I suffered shock".

Apologies to police and families.

Edited by googles - 02/January/2013 at 19:33

MartinO View Drop Down
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  Quote MartinO Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16/January/2013 at 03:48
In a trial in North Queensland, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a
youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defence attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both lawyers to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll give you a life term.'
I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks.

Felix001 View Drop Down
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  Quote Felix001 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 16/January/2013 at 09:22
MartinO, what a joke !!!! you made my day.

MalcolmA View Drop Down
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  Quote MalcolmA Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 17/January/2013 at 13:50
Did you hear about the lawyer who fell overboard while on a deep-sea fishing trip?

When they found him a few hours later he was circling the sharks!

rambler1 View Drop Down
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  Quote rambler1 Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 21/January/2013 at 10:29
BEST LAWYER/INSURANCESTORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other
things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small
fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and
WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the
claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a
policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.
Luke 11 46: Woe unto you also, ye lawyers! For you load men with burdens that are difficult to carry, and you yourselves won't even lift one finger to help carry those burdens.

jaazzz View Drop Down
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  Quote jaazzz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 22/January/2013 at 00:43


Not quite as smart as he thought he was!!

   Brilliant story   
Any opinion given should not be accepted as legal advice.

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MartinO View Drop Down
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  Quote MartinO Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 29/January/2013 at 21:31
Direct from QI

Q. What do sperm and lawyers have in common?

A. One in 500,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.
I am NOT a lawyer. Anything said is NOT legal advice.

Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks.

jaazzz View Drop Down
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  Quote jaazzz Quote  Post ReplyReply Direct Link To This Post Posted: 30/January/2013 at 00:00


One in 500,000?? That high!!


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Please post your legal questions in a forum rather than sending a PM. Thanks

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