A lawyer boarded a Jetstar flight in Perth, with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour.
Shortly before landing in Sydney, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in Perth, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up. So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. (some) Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. (some) Blondes aren't as dumb as many folk think.

Good one. Have you heard of a dumb gray, ME!!!

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Last night I walked into the pub to see my mate Dave looking very sad and sorry for himself.

I asked what was wrong and he said "I've been in court today, the ex-wife got the house, car and a heap of cash. And all because in a moment of rage I threw a bowl of trifle at her".

I said "gee mate, that's terrible. But tell me one thing, did she get custody?"

He looked me straight in the eye and responded "yes, very"

Some good ones!!, nice to see people adding to the topic :)

Not sure if images are appropriate, if not please delete the post.




Source

Edited by TicTac - 12/July/2012 at 18:09

The lawyer pulled up in his brand new Porsche and I couldn't help but admire it.

"Nice car," I said as he got out.

"Well," he said, noticing my admiring looks, "Work hard, put the hours in, break the law and I'll have an even better one next year."

This one not much of a joke but its true. (Police verses defendant, car accident)

In court the police barrister puts it to the defendant, "What you're saying is not accurate, you were in shock from the accident".

The defendant replies, "I was perfectly fine after the accident because it was clearly the policeman's fault, it was only later, when the officer tried to blame that I suffered shock".

Apologies to police and families.

Edited by googles - 02/January/2013 at 19:33

MartinO, what a joke !!!! you made my day.

BEST LAWYER/INSURANCESTORY OF THE YEAR,
DECADE AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY

This took place in Charlotte North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of
very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other
things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars,
the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small
fires.'
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued and
WON!

(Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the
claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a
policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were
insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire,
without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was
obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company
accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the
cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested
on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from
the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of
intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in
jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award
contest.

Direct from QI

Q. What do sperm and lawyers have in common?

A. One in 500,000 have a chance of becoming a human being.